Wow. It's not often people are willing to be open and honest about real shit. Like, real shit that people don't like to talk about.

I hope this article was cathartic. I write things like this in my own notes but I rarely share them, and I admire those who do.

I understand Number 2. I think what has helped me in the past is not focusing on the pain you're causing others. It doesn't help, mainly because I find that thinking about how I might have hurt others, makes me feel worse, so it's double. In my experience, it's ok to need time to just focus on yourself, and most people understand that. Probably because everyone is hyper-focused on their own lives.

Number 3 is crazy. Probably because I often see people fall into this "convincing liar". All I know is that, once I lie to myself, it affects everything else in my life. When I'm lying, I assume others are lying. Even when they may not be.

Going through my own internal battles, I have been in and out of the hospital at least 10 times this year. Not for anything life-threatening, thankfully, but it's this frustrating stomach bug that I caught while I was in Houston.

Long story short, I'm at the end of the tunnel. And am optimistic about my recovery. But I'm not going to lie, I never thought I'd be on TWO antidepressants. See the thing is, IBS, causes anxiety. And in short, that anxiety creates more anxiety - a compounding effect. My first doctor prescribed the lowest dose for anxiety, and honestly I was completely against the idea. Not only had I heard bad things about antidepressants, I just didn't like the idea of being on a daily pill. But I put my ego to the side, and decided to trust the doctor, and trust science. After a few days, I noticed I was much lighter, almost as if before I had been walking around with a 100lb weight vest my entire life.

This got me thinking... I wish I tried this sooner. I was raised to keep going under every circumstances, and in that, I built certain defenses. I could push through any anxiety because I had no choice, in my mind. I could push through, say, a mild depression, because I could convince myself I was fine.

Though that's powerful, I realized, if life doesn't have to be that hard, why make it that way? So today, I'm on a low-dose of Lexapro, and a high-dose of Wellbutrin - I could share the doses if you want. My spirit is lighter, I wake up easily, and I'm more optimistic than I've been in my entire life.

Though there's some downsides, I plan to do consistent check-ins. Researching, and getting the opinions of doctors I trust, which for me, happen to reside in Beverly Hills.

Anyways, hope you're in better spirits. I believe you can continue to make strides, if that is what you truly want to do.

See you soon!